No Rescue - A poem on a journey

Brian sent me the revised version of his poem earlier this week and I went through and made changes as if it were my own poem and write comments against each line as to why I did what I did.

Brian liked most of the changes and suggested we post the poem, comments and all, and see what reactions the poem and the comments received.

As it is hard to read the poem as it is meant to be read with the comments there I have separated the poem into lines and Stanzas with the comments and then included the poem without comments at the end so you can read it as it should be read with ease.

If you want to go back further and see the first draft you will need to go back to that original post

We all see things differently, we often don't see the fascination with what someone else sees as important and that is what makes these processes and workshops so useful. Learning experiences for writers are vital and fortunately, they are everywhere!

No Rescue

My feet slap the deck (I think slap is a more interesting word here)

Oh, the painful sight (This might be one place for punctuation, based on two things, rhythm and dramatization, for want of a better word that eludes me.)

My lover gone (snappier)

Her plane in flight (this gives a more immediate sense to the line)


Pain and despair (perfect)

wash over me (ditto)

Will anything (this seems snappier but I would still say this line nags at me. It is the right line in the right spot but the wording is the thing. A better word than will?)

set my heart free? (the two line this way are snappier, more immediate and don’t use unnecessary words)



My answer lies (Great stanza this one)

in the blue expanse. (ditto)

Over the side (ditto)

in a trance. (I don’t think you need the word body in here, I don’t think it adds anything to the line. If a word does not add anything then delete it is my motto! You may like it there however and it does not do any harm.)



I sink (This stanza is so much better now, great work Brian.)

into the cold embrace

of the sea. (You could leave as is but I think this gives the picture all the same. It allows the reader to draw their own picture of the sea and the message is very clear from your words anyway. People will love this stanza)


No longer can you (Perfect)
rescue me.


No Rescue

My feet slap the deck
Oh, the painful sight
My lover gone
Her plane in flight

Pain and despair
wash over me
Will anything
set my heart free?

My answer lies
in the blue expanse.
Over the side
in a trance.

I sink
into the cold embrace
of the sea.

No longer can you
rescue me.


Well done Brian, this is looking very good.

BJR

My Life - second draft

One of the many things I love about poetry is the journey. We have a thought and write it down, notes or a few lines that don't really amount to a first draft perhaps. Then we write that first draft and the idea takes shape.

Those of us with confidence and who have a little of the showman in us might put this out to an audience hoping to capture someone's imagination.

Then we sit done and write the second draft and I love the feeling of taking something I thought was okay and worthy of being read and turning it into something better. Each time I edit a poem or re write a line I love that feeling of pride I get for having taken my words to the next level. I just have to be careful I don't too high on this feeling and do too many drafts!

Based on feedback received from Paige through this workshop and with a few tweaks of my own here is the second draft of My Life. Thanks Paige.

It would be great to hear people's views on the changes and whether they think they work.

My rogue thought poem has more work to do as it is more an idea than a first draft so it will take a few more days before I have it ready to post.

My Life

My age ends in zero
Makes me think
Life has flown
No time to blink

It happened so fast
No stopover
A glass of wine
A hangover

I found myself
Floating
Through timeless moments
Gloating

Bobbing free
On kind seas
Then fighting whirlpools
Hard to please

Through it all
I have stayed afloat
It is hard to sink
A seaworthy boat

My sails never
Fully unfurled
There is time yet
For me in this world

The fire burns
My moment awaits
Before I appear
At Heaven’s gates


© Bernard J Rossi

Interpretations

Have you ever discussed a poem in a group and marveled at the interpretations of te others? Have you ever been offended by a poem and then been surprised at the authors sly grin as you tackle him on the subject? Ever found new meaning each time you read a poem or felt compelled to call the poet and ask them what they meant?

When we write poems we use our own lives, experiences, hope, desires, dreams and viewpoints, as well as morals and a whole host of other things. When the reader read the poem they use their own life experiences, hopes, dreams, beliefs etc when they interpret it.

This is the magic of poetry and we don't always need to think about it but it helps.

Poems can be written in a clear and strict manner that leaves little room for interpretation or for the reader to put their own spin on, and there are times when we might want this. Poems can also be written with almost every line cryptic and thought provoking meaning it is more hard work for the reader but perhaps carries a new level of enjoyment.

I like to write most of my poems in a way that says what I want but allows the reader some room to substitute themselves into the picture and live the moment their way. In some poems I write and rewrite a line until I have given it plenty of room for interpretation and sometimes I rewrite the line to get a level of interpretation but a very clear direction.

It is worth thinking about how much freedom of thought you want to give to your reader.

When editing our work we need to look at each word and consider its place and usefulness to the poem. Most times it is worth using smaller words that make the poem read easy but there are times when a larger word that can be used, misused or confused in a number of ways can give the poem that element that forces the reader to think and make up their own mind what the poet is alluding to.

A poem that creates a great deal of discussion and makes readers think about the words, the poet, themselves and the world around them is a great poem.

When taking a first draft into the next phase it is worth considering how much freedom you want to give the reader.

BJR

The Poetry Workshop

The above is the picture which you will base your poem. You can write your poem about the picture or you can write it as if you are in the picture. Allow your imagination to ruin free and have fun with it. Please try to keep the poems to one page.

You can e-mail your poems to one of the follow addresses:

sb.knight@live.com
bernardjrossi@gmail.com

We will begin posting poems on Monday.

No Rescue - A poem from Brian

Brian has written a poem to be included in the workshop and I am posting it for comment from all. I think this poem is very good. The thought process and where the image took Brian is original and hits home fast. He is able to grip the reader quickly and has a clear beginning, middle and end. I like the slight change to the rhythm at the end.

No Rescue

My feet hit the deck
I see the painful sight
My lovers gone
Her plane takes flight

Pain and despair
Wash over me
Is there anything
To set my heart free

I find my answer
In the blue expanse
Over the side
Body in a trance

I sink
Further in the sea
Good bye my love
No longer can you

Rescue me - SBK

There are almost always things we would change in a first draft and I am sure Brian will read through this and make minor alterations himself but for the sake of the workshop I would like to suggest a few things myself and then get comment from some of you. Will you agree with my thoughts, would you leave it as is or would you change parts I have left untouched? These are the discussions I would like us to have.

When reading this poem through the first time I was concentrating on the story but on my second read through I found the second line nagged at me. I believe it needs rewording for flow but also to get away from seeing a sight. Perhaps -

My feet hit the deck
Driven by a painful sight

The first line of the third stanza I would shorten (again there is nothing wrong with the line and this is based on my tastes) to maybe something like -

My answer lies
In the blue expanse

In summation, I really like the path Brain has gone down and it shows there are unlimited ways to head from a single image.

Any thoughts from the group?

BJR

Thanks and a first draft

Thanks to all those who have commented so far. It is great to have comments from people who have not put poems up, just as it is to have comments from the participants. Each of us gives a differing view to what we see and how we feel.

When we sit at a table and tell a story, or share a piece of gossip at the local bar, we give people a starting point or some background, build through the middle of the story (the more theatrical of us like this part a lot) and then we deliver the climax or result.

Poetry is no different. We are telling a story of some sort, or commenting on something we feel needs to be talked about and to get a result people must have all the information. Poems must have a beginning, a middle and a climax (in most cases) and they must finish by delivering a message that is understood by the reader.

I have put together a first draft to give a slightly different perspective on the image, or more accurately what I took from the image and related it back to something I wanted to say. The importance of a beginning (why I am writing this, what prompted me), the middle (an explanation of the story so far) and the end (what is still to come). The formula will always be a little different as the topic is different but the general structure is still required. In this area poetry is no different from short stories or novels.

This poem will go through many more iterations before I am happy and it may never see the light of day (other than this workshop) but here's hoping it sparks a little conversation and at least some of us gain knowledge from those discussions.

Each little piece I put forward is written in a different style and this is to widen the discussion but also to help me learn in areas that are less comfortable to me.

My Life

My age ends in zero
Makes me think
Life has flown
No time to blink

It happened so fast
No stopover
A glass of wine
A hangover

I have found myself
Floating
Through timeless moments
Gloating

Bobbing on the surface
Of kind seas
Fighting a white wash
Hard to please

Through it all
I’ve stayed afloat
It’s hard to sink
A seaworthy boat

My sails never
Fully unfurled
Though there is time
For me in this world

The fire burns
My moment awaits
Before I present myself
At Heaven’s gates

Slaving over every word
My masterpiece
Perfection
For your eyes to feast

A wing and a prayer
Will not do
Love and pain
To show to you

A life full
Characters abound
All possible
Through friends I’ve found


BJR

A rogue thought!

I sat down at the keyboard a few moments ago to write the first draft of a poem to post here for discussion later in the week. It had to be a first draft as I promised Paige it would be.

A couple of minutes into my work a rogue though (a term now made famous by Brian) hit me and I wrote the below poem in the amount of time it takes me to hit that many keys on my keyboard. No editing, I haven't re read it or even given it a title but here it is. I will go back to finishing my other work as I want to explore the different ways we view a picture as much as the writing in this workshop.

Feel free to comment on this one as much as you like and please feel free to rewrite it the way you would have written it. Healthy discussion will help us all.

My love of the sea
grows stronger day by day
Aircraft have been my life
my career, my passion
Boats draw from me
feelings deep within
All that I love
exists in one picture
except the thing
I cherish most.
I would trade them all for you


BJR